Ever since I have been able to remember, I have been called the fat kid. It hurt a little at first but when I learned to deal with it, it wasn't a big deal to me anymore. So for many years I was comfortable being me until my junior year in High School. Somehow I got hooked up with the wrong guy that done absolutely nothing but drag me through the mud. My feelings didn't matter, he called me every name you can ever think of including fat. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused but hey that's what real relationships are about right? The answer is absolutely NOT! See I thought that it was though. With that being my first real relationship, I thought that even though he done these things to me, he said he loved me and that made everything better. Four years passed and 2 children later, I finally realized that this was not acceptable. I knew that I had to get out and make a better life for my children and me.
Being in that relationship changed who I was as a person. I didn't feel pretty, I felt used in every sense of the meaning, I didn't have any self esteem left, and I didn't feel that I was worthy of someone else loving me. As days went on, more and more insecurities were experienced. Why didn't I listen to my friends and family when they told me to get out years before. Why did I allow this one person to make me feel so low and how was I ever going to recover from this?
I look back and though I still don't have the answers to these question, I find that after going through those terrible years, I have never been able to recover. If anything I have so many insecurities now but its a direct effect of that situation. See I feel that I have to try super hard to build friendships, that I have to make everyone else happy before myself because what if I don't and I loose that relationship? I have to be the best at everything I do because I have been criticized so much before, how can I withstand any more?
Four months ago I gave my life to the lord again. I have never felt more complete in my entire life! I spread the word of God to everyone that I can because that is what makes it all worth while. I fill everyone's Facebook feed with Christian jargon because though I help some people out with the things I post, I also go back and keep it as a reminder of how far I have come in my own life. I am a very different person today than I used to be. I was so full of negativeness, gossiped.. boy did I gossip, I allowed the distance of friendships to affect me, food was again my best friend, I was very outspoken and not the type that you want to be remembered for, and just wasn't living a life that I was proud of.
Tonight I asked myself why or how I ever got to be this negative person. I mean I had friends, I had a great boyfriend, kids, and was living pretty good and then I heard something that took my breath away. Satan will feed on my insecurities to make them apparent to me each and every day. The things that I thought were okay were definitely not, but that was his way of getting into my mind and throwing it in my face
The greatest thing about living a life full of Christ is that you don't have to deal with things on your own. You can put 100% of trust in one person and know that they will always be faithful. You never have to feel unworthy because no amount of sin will make God look at you different. No sin is greater nor lesser than another, so everyone is equal in the eyes of the Lord. You are forgiven and made new by the blood Jesus shed for you and me. Yes its amazing that one man died for the life of so many others.
I have battles that are not yet victories but I know that with God on my side, everything is truly possible. God calls us to demolish fears and evil that stares us in the face and that is exactly what I am doing. Day by day I am overcoming another obstacle. I'm growing and being molded into the person that God created me to be. God has a purpose for me but it wasn't until I began to live a life full of him that I knew what that purpose was. Everyday I walk in the fullness of God and its pretty darn incredible. I challenge you to do the same!
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